What will you be when you grow up?

My dearest little ones, Every parent wonders what their child will be when the grow up. Will they be a doctor? A lawyer? A business man? A fry cook? An artist? Will they be happy? Will they have good memories of their childhood? Will they have lots of friends? Will they know God? Will they love themselves? Will they have children? Will they make a difference? What comes of their lives? There are many questions. As of late ive been pondering that question over both of you. I have greater fear for you, Jairmie William, then for your brother. But yes... I have questions and fears for both of your futures. As a mom to a child with a significant and yet still unnamed disability, and a normal child my brain buzzes. How do you balance those boys? How do you make sure that they don't feel one is loved more... so first thing I want you to know... I litterally love you both the same, in very different ways. Jairmie William. I love you. I love your big bright smile... your compassion... your interest in the world. I love the way you have never met a person you dont like. I love the way you think your way through things. I love the way you love strange things and shun normal ones. I love the way you embrace your brother. I love the way you are a fighter, I love the way you try. Kaiden Wyatt. I love you. I love those big eyes and your huge smile. I love how at only 1 year old you know and accept that Jairmie cannot express himself as is normal. I love how when he kisses, then bites you, you cry and immediately reach out for a hug from him. I love how you are so social... how you already say moma. I love how you have advanced so much in so little time. I love how everything makes you laugh and how your only 2 fears are either a, being without a face, or b, sitting down without assistance when your standing. Now.. back to the previous topic. I worry. What mom doesnt? Will you both be happy? Will you be best friends? Will you understand eachother? Will you understand us? Will you know God? (insert the rest of the questions previously mentioned). Here is what I want you to know. Mommy can't tell the future. Mommy loves you both. Mommy has dreams for you of course. I want you to grow up, be happy, get married, have children, grow old, and die happy (long after me). But here is what I do know. I don't care who you love, as long as you love. I don't care what you do, as long as you love it. I dont care if you go to college, I care if you learn. I dont care if you fall, as long as you get up again. That means... if you want to be a fry cook, and that makes you happy, do it. If you want to fly to the moon... I DONT CARE WHAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY... get your degree... do your best and go to the moon. Mommy believes in you both. Mommy loves you both. I dont care who you love, and I know I wont always agree. I care for your choices. I dont want to see you have children out of wedlock, out of a real loving relationship. I care that you know God but know you will have to come to know him in your own way and time... i cant make that relationship for you. I pray you love people. I pray you know love. Wherever love brings you. I pray it brings you no pain... but know sometimes love brings pain, doesnt mean its not real. I pray you know how to treat others. That I can teach you compassion. What will you be when you grow up? I have no idea. But my hopes... Two happy, handsome, young men who know God, love others and accepts themselves. And when you grow up... you can always come back to mommy. I dont care if im in my 70's and your in your 50's come crawl on mommys lap... I will hold you. Kaiden Wyatt you listen to momma here ok. I pray and hope your brother will be able to read this one day, all of these, if not, please, read them to him. And know I love you both equally, just differently. I know your brother will take a little more time from our schedules one day, but he will never replace who you are in my heart. I love you both dearly. God bless you my boys... my dear sweet beautiful boys. Dont grow up too fast... and please... always let mommy love you, please, dont pull away from at least one hug a day. Live full long and happy lives... for you, and if thats not a good enough reason, for me <3

sweet little one

THe journey seems so long to you doesnt it. I know life is not always easy for you. I am doing everything I can to make it as easy as possible. Daddy is too. Its scary for parents too, my sweet boy. You dont know what these words mean yet, but one day you will. Doctors say "There are so many things it could be Autism. Deaf. Significant delays." And its terrirfying. When we look at you we still see that small miracle. The baby we could never have... who was perfect, who was healthy. We would have never guessed all this... but we march on. So one day its scheduling appointments for specialists, the next learning sign, trying to communicate... wondering what happened so you would be almost 3, but still only babble. It doesn't matter though. Your our baby. We dont know if you will ever be able to read this. If not maybe your baby brother will read it to you. You love Kaiden so much. We all do. And he too has experinced his hard times, him with motor skills. Who knows though... maybe... you will help each other though it all, after all you never had a hard time with such things. No matter what... I want you to know we are so proud. So unexplainably proud. That we love you so much and will be there with you both, every step of the way. Autistic, deaf, delayed or stubborn (like your uncle william) we will make it through everything. Cuz we are a family <3 We love you Mommy and daddy